My Brother Sh*t On Me!
by The Last Little Kodamas
Summary: Hmmm... you can thank my dad and Edtv for this. Oh yeah, I was really hyper too! Kuja writes a book, which sparks controversy among our heroes.


My brother sh*t on me. 

by Teg 

Zidane was walking around Alexandria, just taking a morning stroll, when he walked past a bookstore. Now normally Zidane wouldn't actually go into a bookstore, ya know all that fancy learnin' and stuff, but something in the window caught his eye. No, it wasn't a book filled with pictures of half naked women, shame on you! It was a book, by Kuja, entitled My Brother Shit on Me. Zidane was really puzzled by this, so he decided to go in to check it out. He picked upt the book and read the back. Here's what it said; 

_My dear brother Zidane, did a most terrible thing to me. _

_It scarred me for life. As the title suggests, he shit on me._

_Literally._

Zidane looked at the cover. There was a picture of Kuja, looking all sad and depressed, with a border of dung around him. _What? _thought Zidane, _I never shit on him! Well, not literally!_ Zidane purchased a copy of the book, and headed to the Iifa Tree, to have a little chat with Kuja. Ever since Kuja came back to life, he had been living in the Iifa tree, kinda freaky considering the fact that it was suposed to be his grave, but oh well. As Zidane entered the tree, he could hear Kuja singing the peanut butter and jelly song. _Must be lunchtime,_ thought Zidane. Zidane saw Kuja dancing around, making himself a sandwich. _Yup, it's lunchtime._

"Hey Kuja!" called Zidane. Kuja was startled, and dropped his knife on the floor. He had stopped wearing makeup, but still continued to wear his skirt and belly top. 

"Why hello Zidane." said Kuja, bending down to pick up his knife, "Would you like to have a sandwich?" 

"No thanks. What is the meaning of this!?" he asked, holding up the book. 

"Oh, that's why you're here!" 

"Yes. Now explain." 

"What's to explain? It's all in the book." 

"I never shit on you!" 

"You may be surprised. Ask Garnet-" 

"Dagger." 

"Whatever you call her now, ask her, she knows the truth." 

Zidane turned around and headed back to Alexandria to talk to Dagger. She was on her throne, doing something important, but Zidane didn't really care. 

"Dagger we have to talk. now." he pulled her off the throne and took her to her room. 

"Zidane, not now, I have work to do." 

"I don't want to do _that_. I really have to talk to you." 

"You want to... talk?"' 

"Yes!" he pulled out the book, "what do you know about this?" Dagger looked a little taken aback, but she didn't leave. 

"He actually got it published?" 

"Obviously! How come I know nothing about this!?" 

"Who said I knew anything about this!?" 

"Kuja." 

"Oh. I thought you knew." 

"NO!" 

"Well, ummm... remember when you were really depressed after I became queen, and you stayed at the bar, and ummm..." 

"NO!" 

"That explains a few things..." 

"Tell me woman!" 

"Ummm... well Kuja was in town too, and apparently you went out and mistook him for a lavatory..." 

"I WHAT!?" 

"Well, it's all in the book..." 

"I know! But how the hell do you know?!" 

" I let him use the royal laundry and showers." 

"But he killed your mother!" 

"I felt responsible! You _shit_ on him Zidane!" 

"So?" 

"Well, if you read the entire book, then you would know that the only reason he destroyed Alexandria was because of _you_ and your _feces_!" With that she stormed out of the room, and then Steiner walked in. 

"You haven't read this, have ya Rusty?" 

"No, I don't have time to read, Queen protecting takes up too much time, besides Beatrix likes to have a massage after work..." 

"Ok, thats enough Rusty." 

Someone called Steiner, and he abruptly left. Then Eiko walked in, eating an apple. 

"Why did he have to write a book?" moaned Zidane. 

"Well, if you read the book, then you would know that it was to help to relieve the psychiatric trauma of the inncident, plus Kuja was a little short on cash." 

"Go away." 

"OK." Eiko skipped away, munching her apple. Then Vivi walked in reading, you guessed it, My brother shit on me, by Kuja Dandelion. 

"Vivi! I thought you were my friend!" 

Vivi looked up. 

"Shhhh! Reading!" Zidane tried to throttle Vivi, but Vivi quickly used Doomsday on him, not even looking up from the book. Zidane fell over. 

"Ouch!" Vivi just left the room, completely absorbed in his reading. 

Zidane couldn't get the book off the shelves, it was a bestseller for years. Zidane was forever mocked for it, and Dagger kept him away from anything and anyone who was wearing white when he was drunk. Kuja wrote six more books about Zidane, and they were all bestsellers and Kuja became a gazillionaire. However, Kuja felt bad for exposing all the dirt on Zidane for money, so he shared his wealth with him. The moral of my little tale? Don't wear white around drunks! 

THE END 

Author's Note: Please review, and just don't ask. 


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